Weight Loss, Embracing Myself and Living My Best Life

I’m overweight, and I’m starting to accept that. I’ve been through a long journey with my body, and I’ll continue to struggle with it for the rest of my life. But I need to stop letting my body define who I am.

You see, I was brought up “seeing thin”; thin models, thin actors, thin singers. Every single magazine I read told me to lose weight, and every time I went to school, kids in my year would be talking about how much weight they lost that week.

In year 9, I succumbed to an eating disorder. I never addressed it, which I think has hurt me more in the long run, but I digress. There were times when I would eat a banana a day in order to lose weight, and the sick thing is that I was praised for it by others. I would attend kickboxing, trampolining, and exercise classes religiously. If I ate “too much” food, I would vomit it back up, and with my friend, I would devise new ways to be sick without it hurting our throats too much. I ended up obsessing over food, and it’s something that ultimately stayed with me for a very long time.

On occasion, I will still purge if I’ve eaten too much. I’ll berate myself constantly for eating too much food or for thinking about it too often, and this is a huge problem for me. I still struggle with my self-identity, and I feel as though I stick out in a crowd because of my weight. I'm certain that my issues with food have led to other mental health problems, which is something I discuss with my therapist.

When I went to university, the excessive alcohol and takeaways took their toll on me. I ended up gaining around 4 stone in total. This was made worse when I had to take steroids for eye problems a few years later. At my biggest, I was 18 stone. I’ve lost a stone since then, and I’m currently following Slimming World in order to control my weight. But this is a whole other issue for me.

I find that when I follow a diet, I’m okay. I’m militant, I count my syns, I research new menus and I like to explore my food choices. However, when I slip, I fall. A slice of pizza will do it, or a sandwich, or anything off plan. I’ll end up in a black hole of binge eating and forget all of the hard work I put in when I was dieting.

I think happiness will fall in between the hardcore dieting and the binge pattern, and it’s something I need to figure out. I’ve tried following Slimming World during the week and having a free weekend. I’ve tried forgiving myself when I stumble, but in all honesty, neither work. I need to exercise my self-control, but I think it’s lost or jumped ship, or just bailed from my life entirely.

I want to start writing a weekly update on accepting who I am, losing weight and body positivity. I want it to be a kind of open diary – where I talk about my week etc. Originally I had this idea to start a vlog, but a part of me knows that it’s too personal and hard to talk about openly. I find solace in writing, and I think sitting down each week and addressing my thoughts for the week will be a good thing. So, until next week…


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